


Not A Bang But A Whimper

by Shirrin



Category: EOS 10 (Podcast)
Genre: Akamzian is a pining fool, Being a spy is easy, Being a terrorist/smuggler is also easy, Being important is kind of terrifying, First time writing him, Kind of the only thing I do and I'm sorry, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 18:00:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13886145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirrin/pseuds/Shirrin
Summary: Akmazian has certainly lived a full life. When he wants to tell a story he likes to say that he'll go down kicking. But an ant can stomp as much as it wants, it'll never disturb the planet beneath it.





	Not A Bang But A Whimper

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is pretty much Akamzian being overdramatic again. I guess it's a character study? Really it's an internal monologue about his life up until a vaguely canon point. If you like it then come bug me over at shirrinshine@tumblr.com

There's an old saying I think I heard somewhere. The more things change the more they stay the same. Seems pretty stupid, right? I thought so at least.

 

See there's certain things that come with being a spy for the Alliance. A safety net is one of those things. People without faces or names that'll bail you out if a situation goes south. Probably. A network of people you've never met. The assumption that everyone you meet might try to kill you. Lying through your teeth every time you open your mouth. The slow realization that you can't trust the people who control your life. The understanding that you are also one of those people without a face or a name, part of a network of people that you'd be lucky if you never meet. People never seem to factor things like that in when they imagine the job. They think it's all acting and finding out deadly secrets and making daring escapes. They never think that it's lonely. It gets real lonely not being someone. Eventually I came to terms with it. My... demotion from personhood so that I could become anyone at any time. Here's something else people never consider about the job; you don't retire. No if you stop working for them only one of three things could have happened. You got fired, you got fired and they made you a scapegoat, or you died. Of the three the last is the most common. I always expected to die on the job. I always knew that my family would be notified of my death, and that would be it. You don't get a military funeral. No, then they'd have to acknowledge that the person who died was affiliated with them at all. They need to preserve their integrity, and well it just wouldn't do to have one of their own found dead in a place they aren't supposed to be. No, when I imagined my death it was quiet. Hell maybe they already told my family I'm dead. Maybe they wont even know where my grave is. Maybe I wouldn't have had a grave. No the most that would've happened with my death back then would've been that they'd need to find a replacement. A life of adventure and danger and loneliness and then nothing.

 

And then they made me a scapegoat. They put my face and a name out across the galaxy. They brought attention to me and let me run. In hindsight maybe calling me a red herring would suit my role better. Everything changed then, turned completely upside down and inside out, went to hell in a handbasket.

 

And then? And then everything was the same. I had a safety net. A crew willing to risk themselves to save my ass, most of the time. A network of people I didn't know and hoped I never would. The assurance that every I meet would try to kill me at least once. Acting like a completely different person, like the Destroyer of Stars, all the damn time. The fact that anyone you work for would sell you out in a heartbeat. Knowing that you're just as much the scum of the universe as the people you hate working with. And being lonely. It gets real damn lonely having no one to talk to, no one to believe you, no one you can be sure wouldn't turn on you for the right price. And dying. No one stays in my crew for long. Either they find a place they like better, they somehow make it out of this particular ring of hell, or they die. We don't have time to mourn people out here. You let yourself get caught up in that and you'll end up just like they did. Besides, the only people that could possibly mourn us are the people we fight with. No family that wants to see you again, alive or otherwise. No friends that wont kill you themselves. No announcement that isn't met with cheers. No grave. Sometimes just a body. Sometimes not even that. Out here when I die the only thing that'll happen is that the Silent Storm will need a new captain. Believe it or not, scary smugglers are a dime a dozen. A life of adventure and danger and betrayal, and when I died no one would even know what danger loomed over everyone. I'm stubborn, not an idiot. I could scream and rage and try to tell everyone the truth till I'm blue in the face. Anything I would've accomplish would've only been laying the groundwork for someone else to take them down.

 

And then I met the craziest doctor in the galaxy. In the blink of an eye everything was different. He tried to get me arrested, not just kill me. He listened to me, he thought I was crazy but he actually listened. I kidnapped him and he didn't fight back he only asked why. Then he believed me. Then he fought for me. He convinced other people to fight for me. In some crazy way he made people care. I got a trail. An actual trial, not just an execution. Hell I doubt they ever expected to see me alive again. He went so far as to endanger himself and actively speak out in my defense. People were asking questions. Why in god's name would he do something like this? I wish I knew. The Alliance was taking action. We don't know what they're doing but we know they're doing something.  Good people died. Good people died and it had consequences. Sure the media spun that it was me and I'd bet my ass that most people believed them. But I'm damn certain that at least a few people saw what happened and got a bit suspicious. We're making progress on my case. We're finding things I wouldn't have had a chance of putting together before. I don't have to be lonely anymore. For the first time in decades when I think of my death, I think I might be able to leave something behind. I think I might actually get free one day. I think I might have someone left to miss me. I'm not completely sure I like being a person again. It's... heavier than just being a name and a role. Spy. Scapegoat. Terrorist. Smuggler. Akamzian. None of them ever had someone risk everything for them. But now I do. I have a lot of people willing to risk everything for me. Suddenly there are a lot more lives riding on me finishing this. If this doesn't go off perfectly then more then just me will suffer for it in the short term.

 

If I die these people will kick up a fuss about it. Hell of a way to go out, don't you think?


End file.
